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Welcome To Inside My Head Pt.1 : Depression

When I was clinically diagnosed with a mental illness, I had to take on the responsibility of sitting down with every individual who made up my support system… The first person I told asked me, “What does that even mean, to have a mental illness?” As I was only just coming to terms with the notion of having a mental illness myself, I struggled to explain how I felt.

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Dinner & A Show – Taking a Step Back from Set Backs

I didn’t understand how after so much sexual harassment and assault I could be experiencing it again. How when I learned to say no I still had no voice, when I learned to defend myself my arms were pinned to my side in a crowded subway station late at night.

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When Healthy Eating Becomes Toxic

Beginning as an innocent attempt to be health-conscious, I focused much of my energy into long distance running…Thus, following a major depressive episode, I found myself fixated on food and this notion of “righteous eating.”

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PDA

This is when you start to hyperventilate. The shudders that rock your body as you try to steady your breathing come in shorter spurts. It feels like your body is being buried under 10 feet of sand and you have an oxygen tank that will only last ten minutes to dig yourself out. You grasp at your arms, a weak attempt at hugging yourself. Or pinching yourself. Something. Your fingers stiffen, and your goose bump covered body is sweating profusely but you don’t feel anything. You can’t think anymore.

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Society; Everyone Has A Place, But It’s Not A Place For Everyone

Our choices start becoming projections of what is easy for us to see in others instead of what it is true for us to be. We start making decisions based on how we fit into other peoples peripheral vision instead of how we fit into our own bodies and minds and clothes. Who we are has become less about our true nature and more about the truth that society will see. We put up a face to protect our own.

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The Relief in Realization

There is relief in realization because every struggle comes with an answer. Whether you get it now or in five years. And sometimes you realize you’re fucking doing okay. And that life is working out for you, and you’re struggling because you want to use these circumstances to make it better. You are relieved that this is not all there is. You learn that it is in our nature, if we nurture the parts of ourselves that want to be better, to always find a flaw so we never have to settle. So we can always experience a little success. Because you realize there has never been relief in settling, and there is a reason there is risk in reward.

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Note to Self: Consistency Is Key (for a different lock)

Being consistent isn’t doing the “right” things at the “right” intervals. It isn’t all about creating a routine and sticking to it. It’s about consistently trying to do what feels good. By not letting what I’ve predetermined what I want for myself to interrupt what I need to do for myself.

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Check-In List

Usually there are at least a few things I can check off. My basics like hydration, hunger, and physical comfort are things I often over look because I’ve gotten to comfortable ignoring them. When I force myself to be aware that these things are affecting me negatively, though, something wonderful happens.

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The Recovery

But enough about the water,
for it’s not what we drown in.
We drown inside the people,
and we drown in our own skin.
So don’t tell me to take lessons,
and don’t say that I should swim.
Cause it’s hard to rise,
when you’ve got ties,
that are pulling on your limb.

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Shut The F*ck Up About My Sexual Assault

I refuse to let my future daughter grow up in a world where I don’t have dirt under my nails from trying my damnedest to dig up the truth, the secrets, the belief that these are things that shouldn’t be spoken about. That the best way is to stay silent. That nothing is fucking wrong. I will not plant my good will in a ground that has been fertilized by fear and hatred and violence.

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