We went home and the feeling continued to burn inside me, like a fire that started out small years ago, that I poured tears onto to keep at bay and I had tamed it for years, but I was done crying, I was mad and I was run dry. I knew now I could either let it burn me or I had to let it out.Read more
I was always in such a rooted, permanent state of anxiety that eventually when the stress bottled up to be too much my fight or flight would kick in full force. I didn’t have bad days. I had explosive ones. I was scared to be happy and comfortable.Read more
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It seems obvious, but I needed the reminder. She said, “if you need to put your head down and just get through school, then maybe that’s what you need to do. But, every time you talk about your housemates, you laugh and you smile. And so, I have a feeling that although you hate school, you don’t hate everything about being here. And I want to remind you that you will never get to experience these 12 weeks ever again in your life.”Read more
I am lonely. Or very close to it. So I never call to hang out. I believe it was Rupi Kaur who said “Loneliness means you are in desperate need of yourself” and holy shit is that ever true.Read more
Trying to be honest about yourself in a public way is very challenging. For me, it’s not about the introspection. It’s more about getting over how people are going to react once the story changes. Self-improvement, self-understanding, self-anything is not set in stone. There are days I write from the highest point of my experiences; […]Read more
Over all, I learned to be real with myself. I learned that my ego is telling me I deserve the things that won’t serve me. That fear is what keeps me from doing things that seem strange, like guided meditation. That progress is a slow, and often fickle bitch that will not give me what I want but instead keeps me aware of what I need.Read more
GROW WITH THE LONELY: Intense, long feelings do not go away over night. These things take time to grow and they will take time to chip away at too. Some days you will hit a tender spot. Some days you will be able to take out a good chunk and walk around with a weight off your shoulders. Remember that we contain ourselves, and those spaces you create will be filled with something else. Try to focus on what you want instead of what you have lost. Be easy with yourself as you nurture parts of you that maybe have not seen kindness in a while.Read more
So while I learned a lot that was detrimental to my survival and happy existence outside of this world, these lessons weren’t as important to my “real” life as I would have like to believed. That is to say, who I am here hasn’t changed much because of who I was there.Read more
Au naturel or contour? Will painting my nails make me feel pretentious? Can I do the make-up without the wardrobe or hair? Do I want to drink wine and play board games tonight or read until 2AM? I have these small conflicts with myself almost every day. It kind of starts with who do I feel […]Read more