We need to acknowledge why the things we want to do, but don’t, are challenging.
That’s it. It’s that simple. We look at the things we want for our lives but not the roadblocks. We push ourselves up blindly against the things that hold us back and look so hopefully at what we want we don’t realize why we can’t truly have it.
I was always in such a rooted, permanent state of anxiety that eventually when the stress bottled up to be too much my fight or flight would kick in full force. I didn’t have bad days. I had explosive ones. I was scared to be happy and comfortable.
Its a short read, so I’ve read this compilation what feels like a billion times. After a while it did not sound any different from the other times I read it, but it started to feel different. The poems started to fit comfortably in my life and I was able to really be open up about it without feeling shame, and thats when I knew, I was healing again. It was time to move on.
It seems obvious, but I needed the reminder. She said, “if you need to put your head down and just get through school, then maybe that’s what you need to do. But, every time you talk about your housemates, you laugh and you smile. And so, I have a feeling that although you hate school, you don’t hate everything about being here. And I want to remind you that you will never get to experience these 12 weeks ever again in your life.”
Over all, I learned to be real with myself. I learned that my ego is telling me I deserve the things that won’t serve me. That fear is what keeps me from doing things that seem strange, like guided meditation. That progress is a slow, and often fickle bitch that will not give me what I want but instead keeps me aware of what I need.
GROW WITH THE LONELY: Intense, long feelings do not go away over night. These things take time to grow and they will take time to chip away at too. Some days you will hit a tender spot. Some days you will be able to take out a good chunk and walk around with a weight off your shoulders. Remember that we contain ourselves, and those spaces you create will be filled with something else. Try to focus on what you want instead of what you have lost. Be easy with yourself as you nurture parts of you that maybe have not seen kindness in a while.
38 hours is the worst amount of time to be home. It’s just enough to feel relief in the uber home, when the evening air is still warm and the city still looks the same as you’re driving down lakeshore. It’s enough time to feel panicked about everything you have to do but not enough […]