I like to complicate things. I like to get into the microscopic analysis, see the grains of sand that make up the beach of every situation, person, thought, reaction.
Sure, sometimes it’s nice to understand what exactly makes up the full scope of things, but mostly it’s just a bad habit.
In my myriad of scoping and prodding, I’ve come to the realization that there are a lot of bad habits – not just biting your nails or not drinking enough water. They come in thoughts, points of view, reactions… the list goes on forever. It’s kind of like the saying there can be too much of a good thing. Which is correct, but also, a lot of the time, a good thing is simply taken too far.
So I’m hoping that shedding some light on these harmful habits will make it easier to see why I do them, feel that I need them, and ultimately help me eradicate them – you too, if that’s what you need.
- I act like everything is a conversation
I’ve said this before if you read my interview , but it still holds true. A serious discussion, a full blown fight, when I need help, joking around. All conversations (to me). Which may not sound like such a bad thing, but often times the significance of what I or another person is saying is lost because I find it difficult to be as serious (or not serious) as I need to be to take heed.
- Do too much on my good days
If I’m having a good day, I take this burst of energy and motivation to do all of the things. This leads to major ups and downs and I end up with way less in my reserve for the next day, which also could have been good if I had the energy to do it. Not only is consistent energy a problem, but my to-do list is as well. Doing so much in one day is like giving myself an excuse to not do things the next because I’ve shortened or removed everything from the list, which in turn makes it harder motivated.
- Get overly attached
To people, thoughts, ideas, what I feel like I should be doing, where I should be, how I feel in general; pieces of paper, the very end remnants of a box of crackers I will never touch again because there aren’t enough in there for a proper snack. You get the idea. This probably stems from being incredibly sentimental, which I’ve been working on. It’s the practicality part that I struggle with; does it make sense to keep these crackers? This business card? Where I am right now in life if it’s going to change tomorrow?
- Too observant
I notice everything to the point of overload and panic. It starts off innocently, trying to gauge things and take them in for writing purposes; building scenes, explaining mannerisms and manifestations. Then it turns into not being able to hold a conversation because I’m too enthralled my surroundings, not being able to focus on what’s actually going on in my head, taking in things and creating points of view that aren’t healthy. I become so much a part of where I am that I lose who I am, what I want and need to be in that moment, what is actually happening vs. the things that surround what is happening. I do it during arguments, conversation, dinners, and even on walks
- “No, but..”
If you’ve had a discussion or argument with me then you’ve heard this. Probably heard it about 20 times in that one sitting. Even when I agree with what someone is saying, I say no. “No, but I get what you’re saying and you’re right but this is what I’m trying to say”. It’s never “Yeah, I get that. Here’s my point of view on the matter.” Even though I’m often not disagreeing with someone, and that a significant amount of the time I’m saying “no” to myself, it doesn’t make for a healthy discussion and makes it difficult for me to properly absorb what another person is feeling or saying.
is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is.
My tendency to do this is overwhelming. I’m aware of when I’m doing it. And sometimes it feels so real, so valid that I give into it thinking that making the worst of a situation will somehow help me prepare for it when it comes. I give into these feelings because it somehow feels safer to be on edge than to be trusting. I then let these paranoid thoughts put confinements on my happiness and relationships, which in turn does make things worse without any course of action other than my own that’s promoted such conditions.
- Manifesting the shoe
I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the bad thing to happen. For the karmic balance I believe life has that is always measurable. Sometimes I wait so long for something bad to happen, I create the bad situation myself. I make the hurt happen, I push people over the edge, I start arguments because it brings me a sense of relief to know I have put an end to the cycle for the time being. This has ended to relationships of all kinds ending, inner turmoil, self-destructive behaviours, and situations that threaten the entire well-being and balance of my life. All because I refused to trust that life was good.
There are so many bad habits I have. Every day I become aware of a way that I’m letting them control my life, or the different ways they manifest and sneak in. I’m so used to the presence of these things that it’s hard for me to differentiate between what is happening at my own hands and what is a product of life happening around me.
Thought patterns, relationship patterns, methods of control – these things are all hard to break. I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and have eradicated all of the behaviours that threaten and hurt my well being. But everyday I can wake up with more understanding and more courage. Everyday I can loosen my grip and learn that taking a step backwards can be better than a painful step “forwards”
I’m trying to unravel these things. Trying to build a better model. Attempting to instead of always understand why I feel I need them, to just understand that I can’t keep doing them. That knowledge isn’t always the key to moving forward, and that I don’t have to always disassemble the bad to build up the good.
Written by Forest Greenwell