6:47 PM – first connection home
I have anxiety that I believe is palpable to those around me. I keep thinking in loops, knowing I don’t want to feel this way; not knowing why I feel this way; not being able to fix what I don’t know. But I just can’t understand what it is about me that people find hard to come back to, except that I know it is hard for me to keep coming back to these feelings. Maybe it is something other people can feel – maybe it manifests in their life too slowly collecting like layers of dust, and my logic that I am priming my environment to be something I want it to be isn’t logical at all. Or I am just not as aware of how I am priming it as I think I am.
7:01 PM – second connection home
I am still worried but remembered I promised to take things slow and that anxiety moves fast. I don’t need the answers. I can ask my own questions. “Manifestations” only go so far and it’s unhealthy to think I can cultivate every situation and feeling in my life. I am rationalizing with myself.
7:09 PM – third connection home
My feet hurt. I am no longer thinking about the answers or even the questions. I am curious as to how I got from wanting a dog and to have more time to spend on my own projects to upset that I think someone may end up not wanting to spend more time with me when I am not sure I want to spend more time with them. I am not used to not being wanted.
7:30 PM – home
I have absolutely no concerns except my full bladder. Whether or not I should (well I know I should , but will) work out, and that my roommate used my new bodum before I did. And we don’t even have coffee grinds.
7:42 PM – at my desk
I am writing this and laughing because I have my priorities straight(er). I am happy. Or comfortable. Or at least home where regardless of nothing else working out in the world, I can at least work it all out between these walls.
4 weeks later – at The Keg
I aimlessly talk to my mostly drunk mother about ending things with this nice person I don’t find that interesting. But I am interested in the respect he shows me. I am interested in the concepts of boundaries that he lets me have, and I am trying to develop the ideas of if I’m not comfortable with not knowing exactly what someone wants from me (even if it’s usually sexual) or if I’m actually just not comfortable with him even if it doesn’t amount to discomfort.
2 weeks after The Keg – in my room
He says we’re not looking for the same things. That he likes being a solo man, no part of a So-and-So, but just a So. I tell him he’s right, we’re not looking for the same things. Truthfully I don’t know what I’m looking for, I just know this is better than saying “no, I’m just not interested in you.” When he leaves he gives me a sad look and says “so I guess this is good-bye?” and I say “yep” and shrug. We hug. We don’t speak again. After I think that maybe I should have suggested staying friends, or in contact. But I have enough friends, and so does he, and I am relieved.
3.5 weeks later – at work
I finally ask the guy who gets espresso everyday if he wants to go on a “coffee adventure” with me. He says yes. I find him more interesting in an hour than I found So-and-So in a month. He has his own boundaries and respects that I am creating mine. I do not feel anxiety when I am on the streetcar home, and I believe my happiness is palpable. We do not wait for time to manifest, we make it happen. I think less about how I want my life to be, and more about how I want to be in my life.