Interview 2

What does faith mean to you? Do you have a faith? (i.e. a religion, or something you believe in like karma)
Faith to me is simply something to believe in. What it is, is different. I believe in astrology and karma, i have faith in these things being what they are to get me through life.

Two years ago from now where did you think you would be? How does that differ from where you are now?

I have no idea where I thought I would be two years ago. A year ago I was dreaming I would be here, and now I think I’m just more comfortable – coming closer to my ideal. I’m in an apartment that I love. I have a job I love, I’m always learning and improving. trying to remember to take things slowly, because life is better if it isn’t rushed, and everything is better when it’s done with care. So I am learning to take care and that differs because a year ago I didn’t know what lessons I would be learning, I’m also trying to not look into the future too much because every day brings so much more opportunity than I imagined and reshapes my apparent course.

Where do you think you will be in another year?

I really couldn’t say. Hopefully still with permanent residence in this apartment, doing more with herHABITAT, will have experienced more travel and love, have been published. It’s hard to say, I don’t think I even know what I want for myself in a year let alone to say what it will look like to be there. Like I said before I’m not trying to look too far ahead and just live in the present.

What, in your opinion, are important values to have in todays society?

A sense of individuality, a good judge of character, patience, smart work as well as hard work, honesty.

What values do you think society promotes?

Good/appealing/interesting aesthetic. It’s about how your life looks.

What are your own values?

Honesty, self-care, not taking life or anyone in it too seriously, being passionate about what you’re doing and doing things you’re passionate about.

Are you who you want to be? Who is that person?

No, but I am who I used to want to be. Or at least parts of me are. Which means that not only am I actively changing, I’m doing it consciously towards a person I want to be. And as I reach that, I dream further for myself. I’ll never be exactly who I want to be because I want to always be improving.

That person is someone who takes her own personal goals seriously, who actively performs based on her own life and needs first. Who is kind, gentle, and open. A person who is not only forgiving, but has forgiven. These are the things in myself I am working towards right now, and there will be much more to come. And there is much that I already am.

What has been the best learning experience for you?

Getting to know myself. I guess it started when I started CBT and re-learned how to think. I discovered that I could control my thoughts as much as they could control me, and through that my life. I’ve since been on a long road of continuing self awareness and improvement. I definitely have relapses, but even those hard moments show me how far I’ve come in who I am. The world is a much more comfortable place to be in since, I see it now as an opportunity for me to change things as well as a place to be changed. The golden rule for me is to embrace as much of the change as I can.

Do you have any memories that “haunt” you? What are they? Why do you think you’re holding onto them?

So many things. Some of them are funny like the time I kept pronouncing pseudo “sway-do” and no one knew what I was talking about and I always think about how those people probably think I’m dumb or crazy when it reality they don’t remember it at all. There are little things, small instances that eat away at me for whatever reason, some of them having happened a decade ago. I can’t say why I’m holding onto them – maybe because I’ve never really talked about them. I think sometimes when you let go of things you lose them, and maybe there is something about these times that I’m not ready to lose

What are qualities you look for in a friendship?

The ability to listen to other opinions/points of view. Honesty, a sense of humour, understanding – of the times I will cancel just because I can’t leave my house or the times we hang out and I find myself with nothing to say. A sense of forgiveness, but also of apology. Patience. Openness.

How do you think people see you?

I think, based on what I’ve been told, that people see me as someone who has it all together. I have my own apartment, I somehow manage to keep myself and fish and couple of plants alive, I can not only dress myself, but do it well. I have a job, as well as my own personal work. I am active(ish). I even see my friends on a regular basis. I’m well rounded to most people. I am the person they come to for advice, the life they seek when they decide they’re ready to move out because it looks fun and easy.

How do you see yourself?

I see myself as a hard worker. I do as much as I can with grace and a smile and then the rest as well as I can. I think because I internalize and belittle how much work I do and how much I’ve been through it isn’t seen as much by other people. I see myself as erratic, and OCD, and controlling. But I also think I’m funny, and organized, and talented. I just try to see myself as plainly as I am, for all of the good and bad.

How would you like to be seen?

Well I mean who wouldn’t be good with being seen how people see me, you know? But realistically I wish that people didn’t idealize me or my life so much because it’s not how it meets the eye at all. Yes it is great, but it can also be terrifying and terrible and wrenching and debilitating. I don’t not suffer from anxiety because I seem to have it together you know? Being able to get up and do things doesn’t mean there aren’t days when I still can’t, and I think everyone should recognize that because that’s how reality is. It’s not shiny and perfect all the time and it never will be.

What do you consider your “flaws”? Why?

I think I’m too harsh, I am a huge advocate of tough love because it got me out of bed and for a run on the days I really felt I just wanted to eat cereal and watch netflix. And I think because of this I’m still too hard on myself without remembering the days I had to be gentle and understanding with myself. And I’m the same way with others, I have a tough time determining what needs to come when. I think I can also be self-absorbed, which comes from a place of trying to understand myself thus always thinking about myself. I’m very dramatic. I am hypocritical.

Do you think you’re someone others can/do look up to?

Well, yeah. I mean I’m pretty realistic, not perfect, not terrible. Sure I don’t (and haven’t had) a very healthy or steady romantic relationship in like… a few years, I didn’t go to post-secondary, I’ve never worked one place more than a year. But I’ve handled – so far – everything life has thrown at me, I’ve been able to get up time and time again knowing another day would come that would knock me down. I’ve been able to provide for myself and others, and there are also times that I haven’t been able to and I’ve had to be humble and ask for help. I think the important thing when looking up to anyone is not ignoring their flaws, noticing how that individual handles them. Do they hinder or do they learn?

What are you passionate about?

I’m passionate about what goes on inside. About individuals, about individuality. I love to see people blossom and do things that make them feel alive. I love love, in all forms. Self love, love for life, love for others. I want to help people reach and experience that, I want to help myself with that too. I think it’s important to know yourself before you can know your world – or more than knowing yourself and your world go hand in hand.

What are your pet peeves?

Small stupid things like when shampoo is left in the bathtub or my pants have been folded the wrong way or someone at work calls what I think is table 9 table 8. When people bite their nails down really short. when people are on their phones constantly while you’re in conversation with them.

If you could change something about yourself – internally or externally – what would it be? Why? 

I would probably change how stress and anxiety physically affects my body. My shoulders and back are tight and constantly crack. It’s incredibly unhealthy and hard to fix and I stress out about feeling stressed enough for this to have happened. I might change how anxious time makes me – although because of it I’m rarely late and can often get more done in an efficient time span.

What about yourself are you most proud of?

My perseverance.

What do you think the downfall of todays society will be?

I think people will actively stop trying to be and improve themselves, and will instead actively work towards being what society wants everybody to be. I think the downfall of society will be loosing individuality.

Do you think it is more important to try and make an impact in the world at large, or in your own world? Why?

In my own world. I think a ripple effect occurs. If I can change my world, and the people in my worlds world, then it can continue outwards. Karma kind of thing. The world at large is too large to tackle all at once. It takes a large movement, and I think that if I can spark that change and have it grow then it does better than trying to ignite the whole world.

Edgar Allan Foe

mostly poet / witch / do-er of art and magic / caffeine fiend Leo Sun / Cancer Rising / Aquarius Moon

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